Well first fear is boats. I am terrified of boats, I hate them with a passion. I do not mind getting in the lake or ocean and swimming, and yes I can swim. But boats bother me. The idea of capsizing is terrifying. I know, you are probably thinking, well if you can swim, WHY are you afraid of a boat capsizing? I do not know. I just am. I know it is a silly fear, and I can rationalize why it is silly, but I can not stop being afraid. I think it is because when we were tubing once as kids, my dad had my mom steer the boat. Bad idea. She ended up going over the wake and my sister and dad flew out of the tube. I was not in it, but it scarred me for life. I do not like boats. I do not like them at all. Second fear...school shootings. I have reoccurring nightmares about school shootings. I have never been in a school shooting, nor has my school ever been evacuated for something of the sort but the thought terrifies me. Third fear and the scariest of all is my children dying. Because it is a fear that every parent has. Especially when you lose your brother as a child and watched your parents fall apart. I can not imagine losing my children and I have nightmares about it.
Day two is describe your relationship with your parents. Here is the point where I would like to ask if you are my parent and you are reading this. Stop. I know you probably will not, but I warned you, I am going to lay it all out. My relationship with my parents is strained in my opinion. I love them dearly. I love them so so much. But I think they are toxic right now. They despise each other and it leaks out, especially from my mother. I am the kind of person who wants to lead a positive lifestyle. I understand negative things happen in life and I can deal with that. I get negative and vent myself at times. In fact, this is going to be turning into a vent type post as well. But when my parents tell me negative things about the other, even though I am 800 miles away, it bothers me. I do not want to hear them talk badly about the other person at all. My mother says it is because I am in denial. My therapist says otherwise and to ignore her and stand up for my positive lifestyle. Yes I am in therapy. I do not blame my parents for being in therapy, rather I blame myself. My dad is pretty good with this, I asked him one time to stop telling me negative things about my mother and he did. He never comments on something on my facebook saying something bad about her, he never mentions her when we talk at all. Seriously AT ALL. My mother is a little harder to deal with in this aspect because she can not accept that I want to maintain a relationship with my father. She wants me to hate him. She has actually told me that she does not understand how I can remain in his life. My sister told me I was sticking my head in the sand (she has not talked to my father since she graduated high school. I was the one who told him by the way, your other daughter is getting married) my mother complains to my sister that I am in denial and she wants to "strangle the bullshit out of her" in regards to me. Because of this, I find myself wanting to spend less time with her when we are back visiting family. I do not blame my mother and my sister for wanting nothing to do with him, I know he is not a saint. He is an alcoholic and he has some anger problems. He was never abusive to me. I am told after I moved out he was severely emotionally abusive, and I even believe that. But I can not bring myself to hate him like I supposedly should. However every time I have a problem with him, I tell him what it is, and he fixes it. I could call him crying at 2 in the morning and he would make me feel better. I am a daddy's girl. I do not know whether to "blame" this on anyone or not. I feel my mom and dad sculpted my sister and I this way. When I was in trouble, I was "made" to hang out with my dad instead of getting to go shopping with my mom and sister. Between you and I, I hate shopping, so I was okay with that. My dad roughhoused with me when I was young, I am sure I was dropped on my face several times haha. My sister on the other hand, was always very delicate. I personally think it is because my dad was not allowed to toss her up and play with her roughly like he played with me when I was little. She was babied as a child. Nothing wrong with that, I think it made her into a sensitive free spirit. I love that about her. She is the most unbelievably talented artist I know. I wish she did not have anxiety problems (they run in the family) she would be so much better off. If I could, I would take her anxiety problems and add them to mine because I think I am better at coping with them, and her life would be so much better if she did not worry so often. I was raised more like my father. I have a lot of him in me. Even though my mom said that I should not be proud of that, I am. I feel like they put my little brother (he is four years old) in the middle of their relationship. I feel like he is used as a pawn. This is a big reason my relationship with them is strained. I do not believe you should ever talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child. Whether that child is 1, 4, 24, or 50. Now that I put all of that out there, I expect some backlash because I am pretty sure someone who reads this will show them. You do remember I am paranoid right?
I think this was beautifully written and if there is any backlash its because people cannot handle hearing the truth about themselves. If anything you dumbed it down as much as possible and left out hurtful things as well. You did a great job expressing yourself. A little disappointed you had to be so careful with what you said but you did it very well. I think you are an amazingly strong person, and if that means you are like your Dad then I think that is okay. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much :)
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