Yeah, I suck at this, my apologies.

Day four is list ten things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could and day five is what are five things that make you most happy right now.

Starting with day four. 16 was hard. My 16th year started out pretty easy, my biggest worry was boys and school. About halfway through my 16th year, my younger brother was killed. I do not have a list of ten things to tell my 16 year old self, just five. Number one, do not take any time with your family for granted, everything is about to change. Number two, I know it hurts, but holding it in and pretending you are fine because you have to be an adult so your parents can grieve is not the way to go about it. You will not get your mom back until after you have your first kid. Waiting for her heart to heal and to realize that she still has living kids is going to take a while. Do not be angry with her. See that therapist your mom is seeing. Number three, you can not change your brothers death, but you can change your last words to him before he leaves the house that day. Do so. Number four, I know you are really wanting to lean on your boyfriend in this time, so when he leaves you because he says you are not happy anymore, do not hate him. He is a sixteen year old boy, he has no idea how to deal with grief. Number five, when that kid in grief group tells you that your brother was killed as a test to see if you really believe in god, punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off. Yeah, your guidance counselor will be shocked, but she will life. 

Day five is to list five things that make you most happy right now. First of course would be my kids. I mean look at them! 

                              

Are they not adorable? Second is my husband. Because I mean come on, do you see him? That man deals with my crazy on the daily. 

Third is color runs. We have been really into doing 5k's lately and I love them. Fourth is music, because there is some tough stuff going on, and music helps. Fifth is skype, because otherwise, times like this would be harder. 

Day six is the hardest thing you have ever experienced. That is pretty easy, my brothers death. Day seven is my dream job. Honestly, I want to be a social worker. I know that they are underpaid and under appreciated  but I do not care. I want to help save children and families.

Now on day to day life. I am doing okay. A little nervous about my Grandma. I do not see her often and did not get to when I was growing up. My mom did not like taking us to spend time with my dads side of the family when we were growing up. But still, she is my grandma, she is pretty cool honestly, which I know most people would not say about someone in their 90's, but she is. She is sick. She has pneumonia, cancer and is in the hospital again and again lately. This last stay, she did not want to wake up. I feel horrible because we were just back visiting family in June and did not get to see her. She has never met the Munchkin in person. So bare with me and my spontaneous writings, I know I am supposed to blog every day, but at this point, I think that may be pushing it with all the things on my plate. My sister is stopping through on her way to her new house. They were in SC and now they just got stationed in WA. Crazy, going from one side of the country to the other. Luckily, I am on her way there so I get to see her for almost a week! The Monster is going to be ecstatic to see his Auntie, I cannot wait!

Blog Challenge. Hopefully I will stick to this one guys!

Okay, we will skip the first one because I have done it before. I think I will do two a day until I am caught up to the correct day. Number 2 is describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Well first fear is boats. I am terrified of boats, I hate them with a passion. I do not mind getting in the lake or ocean and swimming, and yes I can swim. But boats bother me. The idea of capsizing is terrifying. I know, you are probably thinking, well if you can swim, WHY are you afraid of a boat capsizing? I do not know. I just am. I know it is a silly fear, and I can rationalize why it is silly, but I can not stop being afraid. I think it is because when we were tubing once as kids, my dad had my mom steer the boat. Bad idea. She ended up going over the wake and my sister and dad flew out of the tube. I was not in it, but it scarred me for life. I do not like boats. I do not like them at all. Second fear...school shootings. I have reoccurring nightmares about school shootings. I have never been in a school shooting, nor has my school ever been evacuated for something of the sort but the thought terrifies me. Third fear and the scariest of all is my children dying. Because it is a fear that every parent has. Especially when you lose your brother as a child and watched your parents fall apart. I can not imagine losing my children and I have nightmares about it.
Day two is describe your relationship with your parents. Here is the point where I would like to ask if you are my parent and you are reading this. Stop. I know you probably will not, but I warned you, I am going to lay it all out. My relationship with my parents is strained in my opinion. I love them dearly. I love them so so much. But I think they are toxic right now. They despise each other and it leaks out, especially from my mother. I am the kind of person who wants to lead a positive lifestyle. I understand negative things happen in life and I can deal with that. I get negative and vent myself at times. In fact, this is going to be turning into a vent type post as well. But when my parents tell me negative things about the other, even though I am 800 miles away, it bothers me. I do not want to hear them talk badly about the other person at all. My mother says it is because I am in denial. My therapist says otherwise and to ignore her and stand up for my positive lifestyle. Yes I am in therapy. I do not blame my parents for being in therapy, rather I blame myself. My dad is pretty good with this, I asked him one time to stop telling me negative things about my mother and he did. He never comments on something on my facebook saying something bad about her, he never mentions her when we talk at all. Seriously AT ALL. My mother is a little harder to deal with in this aspect because she can not accept that I want to maintain a relationship with my father. She wants me to hate him. She has actually told me that she does not understand how I can remain in his life. My sister told me I was sticking my head in the sand (she has not talked to my father since she graduated high school. I was the one who told him by the way, your other daughter is getting married) my mother complains to my sister that I am in denial and she wants to "strangle the bullshit out of her" in regards to me. Because of this, I find myself wanting to spend less time with her when we are back visiting family. I do not blame my mother and my sister for wanting nothing to do with him, I know he is not a saint. He is an alcoholic and he has some anger problems. He was never abusive to me. I am told after I moved out he was severely emotionally abusive, and I even believe that. But I can not bring myself to hate him like I supposedly should. However every time I have a problem with him, I tell him what it is, and he fixes it. I could call him crying at 2 in the morning and he would make me feel better. I am a daddy's girl. I do not know whether to "blame" this on anyone or not. I feel my mom and dad sculpted my sister and I this way. When I was in trouble, I was "made" to hang out with my dad instead of getting to go shopping with my mom and sister. Between you and I, I hate shopping, so I was okay with that. My dad roughhoused with me when I was young, I am sure I was dropped on my face several times haha. My sister on the other hand, was always very delicate. I personally think it is because my dad was not allowed to toss her up and play with her roughly like he played with me when I was little. She was babied as a child. Nothing wrong with that, I think it made her into a sensitive free spirit. I love that about her. She is the most unbelievably talented artist I know. I wish she did not have anxiety problems (they run in the family) she would be so much better off. If I could, I would take her anxiety problems and add them to mine because I think I am better at coping with them, and her life would be so much better if she did not worry so often. I was raised more like my father. I have a lot of him in me. Even though my mom said that I should not be proud of that, I am. I feel like they put my little brother (he is four years old) in the middle of their relationship. I feel like he is used as a pawn. This is a big reason my relationship with them is strained. I do not believe you should ever talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child. Whether that child is 1, 4, 24, or 50. Now that I put all of that out there, I expect some backlash because I am pretty sure someone who reads this will show them. You do remember I am paranoid right?

I probably should have given some notice before I just up and quit on this thing for the summer, but I just got so busy! Summer is a time that I love, we spend as much time outside with the kids, go to playdates, spend time at the lake, go visit family, etc etc etc. Sadly, summer is over. It's been in the 50's lately, winter is coming! In August. I hate this state. So far, August is the only month during which is has not snowed in ND at some point in time. So my husband tells me anyways! I do not think we will get snow this month and break that record or whatever you wanna call it, but I do suspect that next month Monster's birthday party will absolutely have to be inside. 
Birthday ideas for the Monster is my weak point. He is turning FIVE! Where did the time go? I do not know. Anywho, I think he will be getting a lot of school stuff from us (I know, I know, school stuff? That sounds boring!) However for the Monster, all he talks about half the time is going to school...Which makes this more difficult because I am going to be home-schooling him. I think that as long as he gets to do what he perceives as "school stuff" then he should be fine with being home-schooled rather than going to public school. Also I have been thinking about sports for him. Goddess knows that he loves sports, and he can hit a ball, throw a ball, kick a ball etc, very well. I have been looking into some indoor ones like karate as well. I really want him to take karate, and my husband really wants him to take baseball. We plan on letting him decide next spring what he wants to do sports wise. 
As for Munchkin, he is officially off of formula on a trial basis. We go back to his doctor next week and if he has maintained his weight, he can stay off of it for good! He is still slow with his eating, but he isn't choking every time tangible food touches his tongue! BIG step forward. We also cut his hair again sadly. I have an attachment to my boys long hair. It makes them look younger, and every time we cut their hair, a piece of me gets stabbed in the heart, even if it is only twice a year. 
Now that I am all caught up, I will probably be on here maybe once or twice a week. Maybe more as it keeps getting colder! I shall leave you with a BUNCH of pictures from this summers activities :) They are a little out of order so go by the hair length of the kids :D If it is short, they're from this month!!